Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in melpominae's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
11:33 pm	need of input. nothing serious Ok so here i am trying to get the stories out of my head and onto paper. trying to finally do something with the fertile imagination i was given. trying to do something with the characters that haunt my sleep to the point i can see the book play out in my dreams like a movie. its fascinating but in the end i cannot write as well as my imagination can picture. i have been working slowly on a novel i guess. i'm not entirely sure i would call it that yet. i see the beginning i see the end and i get pictures of the middle. My ideas are solid. I am not afraid of what i could possibly do with this per se. the idea of writing a book and trying to get it published does not scare me. but i have run into a conundrum. i started a chapter with the goal in mind. i knew what i wanted to happen and i was pretty sure i knew how to get there. i generally just let it flow and not think about it too much. well this time i couldn't stop what i was writing it took someone coming by my place to  say hi to break me from what i was doing. and honestly i was relieved. i am not a person who shrinks away from the cruelty of human beings. i do not like to think long on it but i know what humans are capable of doing to eachother and i don't particularly like it. i stopped close to the end of the chapter i was writing and i was ill. what i wrote disturbed me enough that i don't want to go back to it. i want to contiue writing but if i could find a way around finishing that chapter so that i wouldn't have to look at it again i would do so in a heart-beat. i know its fiction and that it isnt real but i feel horrible about it and i am unsure as to how to contiue. i tell myself to suck it up and move forward but i balk. thoughts and ideas are welcome. thanks guys. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
7:50 pm	yay me On may 1st i will be graduating LCC with my associates degree. walking will commence at 7pm at the breslin center. those of you who wish to see this event are more than welcome to attend. all i can say yay fucking me! i finally did it! yay yay yay. lol Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 9th, 2008
12:43 am	what does it mean to be a woman? SO i've been pondering what it means to be a woman. Is it the parts that the gods gave us to carry and nourish and bear children? Or is it something more? If a woman loses the parts that make her a woman is she still a woman? Men can have breasts that has been established. SO a decision has been handed down to me. I have reached a pre-cancerous stage of cervical cancer. I need to decide if i want to argue to with my doctor and get a hysterectomy or to do as my doctor says and go for a procedure that wont guarantee that the pre-cancerous cells will be done and over. then again having to guess what the insurance company will pay for and wont is another story altogether. i know anywhere between now and 15 years from now i will have to have my uterus removed due to genetic history. i am not doing very well with this info i knew it was a very good possibility when i went in for my last biopsy but still one always hopes that one will be able to overcome something without medical intervention. so i dont know what to do at this point other than to do as much research as possible. any suggestions are welcome. Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
6:36 pm	Morgan Ok so this morning at god awful in the morning we were up and on our way to Ann Arbor for morgan's appointment. And this is what we found out. She has 2 holes in her heart close together. One is 17mm and the other is 2-4mm with a small piece of tissue separating them. We will be attempting the catheter procedure to shut the holes. The doctor is hoping that during the stretching to put the device in that the tissue will tear and they will be able to close both holes in one fell swoop. The procedure will be taking place May 23. She has a 75-80% chance that this procedure will work and she wont need open heart surgery. so here's hoping. Later. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
1:15 pm	Letter to no one Dear No One, So this is how things go. You are a selfish, self centered, egotistical, arrogant ass who listens to no one but themselves when it matters. You are constantly condescending in the guise of helpfulness. If things are not the way you envision them you throw a fit that rivals Armageddon, yet it is expected to be dealt with, your feathers patted and your ego soothed. You cannot have your cake and eat it to. The situation you see in your mind of how things should be does not exist in the real world. In the real world casually dating someone with no commitment is called a Fuckbuddy. It is demeaning to some and not to others but you cannot toss scraps of emotions and then pull them back when you realize that you have overstepped the bounds of your internal rules. The amount of rules you put on allowing someone to care about you is ludicrous, there is no rules for loving someone except to love them. Not treat them like a toy to be picked up and played with and then thrown across the room in a fit because of your stupid rules. People are not there to carry out your ideals, your Fantasies. They are there to help you build new ideals and a new world. Life is to be shared with partners, not playthings. To be experienced with lovers, not fuckbuddies. To be realized with a mate, not taken away from by a child playing at being all growed up. You cannot expect to be loved when you treat someone as you have. You cannot control the way life comes at you. You can either hide from it behind rules and controlling others or you can live it with someone who cares about you at your side. There are no particular roles in a relationship. There is no this is yours to do and this is mine. There can be separate space but not light years apart. You cannot dictate how things will progress. NO ONE deserves to be treated as you have treated them. But then again this is the jaded, bitterness talking. A response is not expected. Nor wanted. It doesn’t matter what your opinion is of the situation or what has already come to pass. These views are allowed to be expressed without censorship. It doesn’t matter whether you believe them to be wrong or not. They will be heard. Whether you listen to them is your prerogative. These views of course can be thrown back at most saying throw no stones until you look at yourself. Well most have in one-way shape or form. But you are hiding from it from life. And as the thoughts and views of those who care, grow up and be part of what life shoves at you or not and be miserable. Your choice but as was mentioned earlier this is bitterness and jaded talking. Love, Bitterness and jaded (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008
5:10 pm	life as of now ok so since july not a whole lot has happened until very recently. most of it doesnt matter. here is what matters. as soon as humanly possible there will be a hand parting. i as of now am not married. i refuse to deal with the lack of respect and the fights because of said lack of respect. i refuse to be beaten down again. i just found out that he really doesnt care what he loses as long as we can save our friendship. what friendship? how can you have a friendship with no respect. of course this is all from my perspective. but my perspective is my reality. i have already untied the knots on the ribbons used to bind us together. i am trying to deal with what is happening. but i am stuck. i have no where to go. he wont let me have our kids if i try and leave. there is nowhere to run to this time. i cant just pack and fly 2200 miles like i did the last time. there is no friendship without respect. i am not a second class citizen. i deserve to have what i want when it comes to a relationship. and i am not going to forget that this time. i am a first class citizen, i deserve respect and i damn well will find someone who will give it to me. i had to reach deep to find the inner strength to keep from hurting somone. no im not gonna hurt myself but my first reaction is to lash out at the thing that is hurting me and fight back. however landing myself in jail for assault would be a bad thing. :) i am a strong person. its time i remembered this. theres the latest in my life. i really hope i hear from some of yall on your lives. and for those out there "i told you so's" are not welcome. Current Mood: discontent (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
3:58 pm	Update Okay so ive been gone a bit. but im back and here is the rundown. I went to WI and came away with a promised interview that basically says that if i can pass the background and drug test im hired. however the problem i have run into is as follows: My sister in law decided that she would not be able to watch my children. SOOO i can go out there without them but will have no transportation to get and go to said job. Or i can take children have transportation but no daycare. and the thing about daycare is that you get interviewed by them and they will call back if they decide to take the children on. so very much like a job and i dont have time for that. so the new consensus is that im not leaving for a few months. I am attempting to find a job here again in hopes to get the money we need together to move without a hitch. i have put my application in at the State Bar of Michigan for receptionist. I have also put my resume in for a job that the boss man is specifically looking for my resume. so heres hoping. in other news i know this will probably irritate a few of those out there but its just the way it is. I am being hand fasted this Saturday. July 28th at 8pm. those i know and consider my friends are all invited. its a potluck type thing so bring a dish to pass. and also if you are coming please let me know so i can get an idea of how many are coming. later yall. Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 14th, 2007
2:14 pm	arg! OK so i have a slight dilemma on my hands. nothing out of the ordinary i'm sure. and the subject matter is one im sure people are tired of hearing out of me but it is what it is. I had the option of moving this summer to a place where the jobs are better and to be near more of my family. I have a nice tax refund coming my way and i was planning on using it to move after catching up on a few bills. and fixing the van to the tune of $800. now after all is said and done i need enough money to get into a place and for daycare costs. on top of moving expenses. i figured we would have enough to do so. apparently not. i do not know the full bills situation but according to peter there wont be enough money. My brother is urging me to grab my kids and move without peter. my issue with this is simple. i do not want to make an enemy of my kids daddy. he has no rights to them according to the state of Michigan. i could technically do it. but would the fall out be worth it? or my brother suggested moving without the kids and getting set up. i did this once, when i moved to Florida. he said he'd move with the kids and then changed his mind. i had signed full physical and joint legal custody to him. i could have been screwed over real easy. in fact if i do it again i could be screwed over. i know what a few of you are thinking. Run far away from peter and take the kids with you. i admit that peter and i have been bad for each other. i still keep hoping that THIS time around it will be different and it does change a little. but not a lot. i do not know what to do. i feel very not good about either solution. i hate it here. the only reason i moved to Michigan was because of peter. the reason i left was him and yet the reason i came back was him. my kids deserve to have their father in their life. i deserve to be happy too. and so far he hasn't helped my happiness level. i could wait, he said he was hoping to move at either Christmas break or as soon as Gavin is out of school next summer. my brother claims he can get me a job as a tech for comcast paying $13/hr no experience necessary. i would do almost anything for my kids. and yes i've heard at least one of you say that being here with their father is bad. it is showing them that it is ok to emotionally abuse a woman. i need input. not snarky remarks about how its all been said before. i need honest thought about input. the pros the cons. etc. i'm still looking for a job out here. and if the gods are kind one way or another my prayers will be answered. y'all are smart. give me your thoughts. thanks. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Nickelback (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 19th, 2007
12:23 pm	I thought this was hilarious. figured id pass it on NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN > > > D A M N I T O L > Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. > > E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N > Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding > you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till > they moved out. > > ST. M O M M A'S W O R T > Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers > unconscious for up to two days. > > P E P T O B I M B O > Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed > before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and > prevents conception. > D U M B E R O L > When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting > in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. > > F L I P I T O R > Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and > the urge to flip off other drivers. > > M E N I C I L L I N > Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such > lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " > > BUYAGRA > Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, > duration, and credit limit of spending spree. > > J A C K A S S P I R I N > Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, > anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. > > > A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T > A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager > to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. > > > > N A G A M E N T > When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same > irritation level as nagging him. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Nickelback (Comment on this)
Monday, February 12th, 2007
12:21 pm	good stuff ok so for all of those who had my number my cell is turned back on yeah me. the number is still the same. those who lost it or didnt have it but want it ask and ye shall recieve. later y'all. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Music to kick ass to. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 8th, 2006
2:32 pm	also thought to share this.thought provoking IT'S 7TH GRADE... I stared at the girl next to me... She was my so called "best friend"... I stared at her... Long, silky hair... And I wished she was mine... But she didn't notice me like that... I knew it... After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before... And I handed them to her... She said "thanks"... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I want her to know that I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't know why... IT'S JUNIOR YEAR... My phone rang... On the other end it was her... She was in tears... Mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart... She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone... So I did... As I sat next to her on the sofa... I stared at her soft eyes... Wishing she was mine... After 2 hours... A Drew Barrymore movie... And 3 bags of chips... She decided to go to sleep... She looked at me.. Said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I want her to know... That I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy to tell her... And I don't know why... IT'S SENIOR YEAR... The day before prom... She walked to my locker... "My date is sick" she said... He's not going to go... Well... I didn't have a date and in 7th grade... We made a promise that if neiter of us had dates... We'd go together just as "best friends"... And so we did... IT'S PROM NIGHT... After everything was over with... I was standing at her front door step... I stared at her ... She smiled at me... I wanted her to be mine... But she doesn't think of me like that... And I know it... Then she said "I had the best time... Thanks!"... And she gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to telll her... I wanted her to know that I don't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why... IT'S GRADUATION DAY... A day passed... And then a week... And then a month... Before I could blink... It was graduation day... I watched her... Perfect body... Floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma... I wanted her to be mine... But she doesn't think of me that way... And I know it... Before everyone went home... She came to me in her smock and hat... And cried as I hugged her... Then she lifted her head from my shoulders and said "you're my best friend"... "Thanks!"... And gave me a kiss on the cheek... I wanted to tell her.. I wanted her to know that I wanted to be more than "just friends"... I love her but I'm too shy... And I don't know why... IT'S A FEW YEARS LATER... Now I sit in the pews of the church... A church that she is getting married in now... I watched her say "I do" an drive off to her new life... Married to another man... I wanted her to be mine... But she didn't see me like that... And I knew it... But before she drove away... She came to me and said "You came!... Thanks!"... And she kissed me on the cheek... I wanted to tell her... I wantd her to know that I didn't want to be "just friends"... I love her but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why... YEARS PASSED... I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend"... At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years... This is what it said... "I stare at him... Wishing he was mine... But he doesn't notice me like that... And I know it... I wanted to tell him... I wanted him to know... That I don't want to be "just friends"... I love him but I'm just too shy... And I don't know why... I wish he would tell me he loved me"... I wish I did too... I thought to myself and I cried... Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
2:12 pm	Found this hilarious thought to share WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............ 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO 5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 7th, 2006
3:48 pm	Go fucking me Its so amusing how well i can fuck things up. Well i went and did it again. Lost the one person who had never turned away from me. the one person i could always count on. My rock. my own goddamn fault. as usual. he finally walked away. 10 yrs of history, gone. Damn im good hmm? Well karma is certainly a bitch should you get on her bad side which i did. i played with fire,and got burned. go me. i lost big time this time. the last time i laughed this hard id just been told id been cheated on. you know that feeling like your mind is going to shatter? im quite familiar with it. in fact we are good friends. yeah thats the feeling. mind, heart and soul lovely shattering feeling. i think im gonna disappear for a while.dont call. i probably wont answer Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
3:48 pm	It was amusing Current Mood: amused Current Music: Call me when you're sober- Evanescence (Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
8:58 pm	grrr everytime i think about posting good stuff bad shit comes and kicks me in the ass. so yeah jsut lost my job. yeah fucking me. bullet to the brainpan *squish* going to drink heavily and plot next move. later y'all Current Mood: drained Current Music: Hinder : Lips of an angel (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 7th, 2006
4:23 pm	poetry? standing outside eyes closed feeling the tangible sensuality of the approaching storm. the wind kissing my skin as the distant rumble of thunder touches my ears. my world darkens even more as the clouds roll over the sky the storm approaches the thunder reverberates off the bluffs causing my body to vibrate as the sound shakes me to the core. i feel the electricity play over my skin like a well known lover as lightening flashes over the darkened sky. i open my eyes turn my face to the sky, open my arms to the heavens as the storm gathers its strength....let the rain come Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Nickleback "Far Away" (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
4:45 pm	this doesnt surprise me in the least. tied between artist and healer. i knew the healer bit, been told that before but i found it interesting. Thanks Kaine. i saw yours. so true that one. You scored as Artist. You are an Artist Empath, one who creates their own reality and infuses the realities of others with your energy & emotions. You are poetic and sensitive. You turn your feelings into creations and share them with the world. Everything you touch turns to song and is freed by the color of your eyes. Your spirit dances with the winds and paints delight in the evening sky. (from the "Book of Storms" by Jad Alexander) </td> Artist 80% Healer 80% Traveler 75% Judge 75% Shaman 70% Universal 70% Precog 65% Fallen Angel 60% What Kind of Empath Are You? created with QuizFarm.com Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Garth Brooks- Ireland (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 17th, 2006
5:03 am	update ok so my trip went really well. although i spread myself a bit too thin to see everyone i wanted to and still spend as much time as i could with my kids. the visit went so much better than expected, you cannot imagine how relieved i was that it went as well as it did. i got an offer to come back to michigan. a friend offered me a room of my own and a vehicle to use if i wanted to come back. needless to say this is tempting because of my kids. however i am unable to really think about it at this time. i am not "fixed" enough to be within certain distances of certain peoples without falling into old habits. habits ive kicked. until then i am here i guess. i love florida its been so good to me on so many levels and so not on so many others. i am not sure what to do but i wanted to let everyone know i got back in one piece and all is for the most part well. love y'all. Current Mood: awake Current Music: rascal flatts : god blessed the broken road (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
5:23 pm	figuring out life maybe i love life in so many ways, and yet in the end it likes to kick you in the ass. i have discovered things about myself and in trying to embrace them i am causing issues. those who know me know im a flirt. its gotten worse. i enjoy flirting with people. its become more of an automatic response to people i am attracted to. i am no longer hiding my attractions. why should i? but there is a down side to it. obviously certain peoples have issues because im not the old me. hello so happy about that. and making other peoples nervous. cant win. oh well i will admit im not sure how much of this i have mentioned before so bear with me. i can barely remember what day it is half the time. before i was afraid of my own sexuality. i only let loose when i had a couple of drinks in me. not a good thing. now however i love the way i look and feel and it makes it easy for me to accept compliments and enjoy being a woman. i was made a woman for a reason why not enjoying all it has to offer. i am trying to speak my mind more and not let what people's opinions of me get in the way of my own growth. although there are a few that i still have a few problems with. one of which i am going to see this coming weekend. i mentioned to someone that i feel so much better since i left. it was pointed out that it was because he was no longer emotionally abusing me. well he still has a knack for it although to his credit he is trying to stop. i responded with the fact that it doesnt affect me nearly as badly as before because i was in arms reach. i am worried that being near him i will fall back into old patterns of letting him emotionally beat me. just taking it. of course maybe this is a test to see how far ive really come. maybe i havent at all. we will see. on a happier note. i am so looking forward to seeing my kids. i miss my babies so much. i miss my friends that i left behind. i cant wait to see y'all again. i have hugs and kisses for all whose wives or significant others wont kill me. without y'all i wouldnt have thought about trying to get out of my situation. you know who you are i am eternally grateful. i am looking forward to saturday night. stepping back into old shoes for a night. although it makes me sad that ryan_of_eris will not be there. he has made plans. he made mention of trying to make it to lansing on the 11th which is sunday but i told him not to bend over backwards to see me. i kind of wish i hadnt said that but its not right to try and rework things when they are already in motion unless its something you really want you know? now ive gotten into rambling. sorry y'all. i am pleased at the changes ive made. i only hope they are permanent. anyway i better see people on saturday. i will be sad if i dont get to see everybody although i know schedules are a bitch. so see y'all in a few days. Current Mood: flirty Current Music: Nickleback- Saving me (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
10:44 am	quick update i am so excited. in just about 2 weeks i am going to see my kids. *happy dance* i am so looking forward to it. i cant wait to see everyone else either. Florida definately agrees with me. lost more weight. look and feel wonderful. running another larp here. mage of course. bunch of green players who've never larped before but they are taking to it like water. looking like im going to be changing jobs. i have issues with a workplace that offers food but does not follow proper sanitaion regulations and doesnt seem to care about the safety of their workers. i have an interview elsewhere on tuesday this coming. yeah me. anyway thought to give a quick update. love y'all later Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)